Thursday, November 15, 2007

Dreaming. Mourning.

I had a dream last night about Jason, my stepbrother. I usually get bored when people tell me about their dreams, so I apologize in advance for talking about mine here, but I rarely remember my dreams, and this was one of the first ones I've been able to remember vividly in quite a while.

In the dream, I woke up one morning with the distinct understanding that Jason was still alive but that he was going to die that morning. I remember going to his room (which oddly was not the room we used to share as kids but was the same house) to see if he was awake. I expected him to be laying in bed, mourning the fact that he was going to die in just a few hours.

To my surprise, he was up and was getting ready for the day. He said he wasn't the type of person to worry about whether or not he was going to die. I remember admiring how brave he seemed when he said that. And just like nothing was going on, we went downstairs and hung out with the family and laughed and told stories like we usually do when we get together.

Then I woke up.

On my drive to work that dream is all I could think about. Now that I'm writing this out, I feel like the dream should have given me some sort of peace, but I was sad instead. It reminded me how much I miss him.

I've mentioned to J a couple of times that I felt like I hadn't really grieved as much as I thought I would have or should have. This makes 2 rough patches in 2 weeks. I guess the grieving process takes a little longer and works a little differently than I thought it would. I think this dream is really the first time I've actually forced myself to realize that I wouldn't be seeing him anymore. How I've gone two months without figuring that out I don't know.


At 15/11/07 7:21 PM, Anonymous Jarred said...

The thing about the grieving process is that no two people experience it in quite the same way. When a co-worker lost his college-age son a couple years ago, he commented that he didn't know what the "normal process" was supposed to look at. His pastor, who was offering him and his family grief counseling at the time, simply told him "whatever you're going through is what's normal." The important thing is to have people in your life who are ready to stand by your side as you go through whatever you need to at a time like this.

As for talking about your dreams, feel free to do so whenever.

At 16/11/07 5:54 AM, Blogger grace said...


I concurr with Jarred. After having gone through my own grieving process last year, I can tell you that I considered it like a monster that would sneak up on me, sometimes rather inconveniently. It seems I would lapse into and out of the various stages at all sorts of random moments. It still happens occasionally, but the "episodes" have become very much fewer and farther between. I'm not sure that a "normal" person ever fully gets past it because God designed us as relational(an infinite quality) beings then set us here in this finite place. I think that's a big part of the sorrow that will be no more when we fully enter the eternal age of God's Kingdom come.

I'll be praying that peace and comfort will rest on you.

love and grace,

At 16/11/07 6:39 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Thanks for your comments Jarred and Grace--it's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with these types of things. I think both of you bring up very good pionts.

At 19/11/07 3:44 PM, Blogger Jay said...

I have nothing to offer than Jarred and Grace haven't already offered, except for my prayers. I hope for peace and comfort for you and yours.

At 21/11/07 9:02 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Thanks, Jay!

At 22/11/07 5:23 PM, Anonymous MR said...

My own brother died of AIDS years ago. I was right there when he died, I saw him take his last breath...

Even though his death was so real to me, I was relatively numb for weeks afterward. I was able to call friends and relatives and hear them cry without crying myself. I was even able to talk politely to an apparently hateful relative who refused to let his remains be buried in the family cemetary plot.

It was later that I really felt the loss, and in some ways I still feel it even now. Yes, I too had a slow grieving process, so maybe that is normal.


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