Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I Used to Hate Being Gay

I used to hate being gay.

I really did. I mean really hate. Just like this guy hates being gay.

Every night when I said my prayers before going to bed, one prayer that I was always sure to say was to ask God to make me stop being attracted to other guys. I'm talking about thousands of prayers just about that one issue. Trust me, I hated it.

It just wasn't a religion thing for me, although that was certainly part of it. It was also a life goal thing and an acceptance thing. I always dreamed about having a wife and kids, being the perfect kid, all of that stuff. And up to that point all of the gay people I had ever seen were the ones I saw in the media. Not really the greatest role models, to say the least. Being gay was going to get in the way of all of my dreams, and I hated it.

So, I kept praying and stressing--constantly, but nothing really changed.

My life was never really that terrible during those years, but it certainly isn't what it is today. I used to get angry easily, and I was always paranoid that someone would find out. Even as I started to acknowledge that I was gay and that it probably wasn't going to change, I fought hard to make it stop. I'm sure I hurt some people along the way, and even today I can't help but think of what I might have missed out on while I was trying so hard to be someone I wasn't.

So, slowly, then almost all at once, I went from hating being gay to dealing with it and then embracing it. When I was starting to come out a friend told me he was happy he was gay and that he'd choose to be gay if he had it all to do again. At the time I was floored. Today I don't think I'd go that far, but I don't hate being gay anymore--it's part of who I am, and even if it has its obstacles, I'm probably a better person for it.

I look back now and can't really imagine what my life would have been like had I never come out. I wouldn't have my boyfriend in my life, that's for sure. Come to think of it, I wouldn't have had anyone in my life romantically. Funny that when my dad was so upset about my being gay he never realized he was asking me to be alone. I think now he realizes what it all means. He still doesn't understand, but he's slowly figuring it all out.

I used to go through what this guy was going through--he hates being gay, just like I did. And I used to deal with the questions Jay is still struggling with. I don't anymore, and I'm glad. For all of the heartache and pain coming out and accepting being gay was, I realize that I'm infinitely happier, more confident, and more successful than I ever was before. Being gay wasn't something I chose, but choosing to come out and not continue to live the unfulfilled life I was dealing with then was the best decision I've ever made.

Now I just have to convince the rest of the world that.


At 27/9/06 3:40 PM, Blogger lakelady said...

A Prayer comes to mind, The Serenity Prayer....."GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference." Accepting yourself gave you the freedom to love. Not just your significant other, but yourself and others.

At 28/9/06 2:13 PM, Blogger Brady said...

Thanks lakelady--great points!

At 31/12/06 1:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

as a gay man that hates being gay i understand where you are coming from, however, my experience hasn't been as pleasant.

after years of "repairative" therapy i lost all faith in god. i met and fell in love with a wonderful man that is my best friend. only problem is he is straight and doesn't have the same feelings for me. in my entire 36 years i've had one boyfriend and while i love him as a friend i was never in love with him.

now my straight friend/roommate is determined to find a girlfriend and run me out of his life. if i had it to choose i would never have chosen this road. it has brought me nothing but heartache and i don't know how much more of it i can take.

At 2/1/07 11:46 AM, Blogger Brady said...

I am so sorry to hear about the rough time you have had. I'm not great at advice, but I'm going to give this a shot.

First- Is there anyway to renew your faith in God? Not the God of reparative therapy, but the all-loving God that accepts you for who you are and will help you to love yourself.

As for your best friend- that's a hard thing, but I bet that having him in your life as the unrequited love is probably exacerbating the situation. It may be hard to let him go, but I think you have to move on--whatever form that may take.

I definitely wish you all of the best, and I hope you can find a way to enjoy life and love yourself

At 5/9/07 12:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As someone who has been on both sides or repairitive therapy I have to say that embracing my gayness hasn't been a great experience. Just because I'm no longer bothered by the constant torment of guilt for being gay-it has done nothing to help me in any part of my life. Most gay guys are like "you should be happy now because you can be true to yourself." The reality of gay life is nothing more than celebrating how drunk, high and slutty you can be. And sure that's Not ALL gay people-you're not going to convince anyone that it's just a few people on the gay fringe that believe this. Being gay today means learning how to deal with and not fall into the trappings of gay life while trying to enjoy yourself and not sit forever in your room on your pc in chat rooms waiting for that fantasy man to message you. He doesn't exist. Not to mention how many times have you thought (i wish this guy was hotter, maybe the next guy will be. If i had a choice I would not choose to be gay. It's fun sometimes but the BS and short life span not to mention the drama are things no one needs extra of.

At 5/9/07 6:40 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Hi Anonymous. Thanks for commenting.

All I can say is I'm really sorry you've had such a hard time with being gay. All I can say is that you've somehow fallen into a fairly negative side of being gay--a side that doesn't exist for everyone.

I personally don't celebrating being drunk, high, or slutty. Have I seen it? Yes? Do I know way more gay people that don't embrace that type of behavior than do? Definitely.

It's easy when you're not happy about something to dwell on the negatives and believe that most people of a particular group are in the same situation as you, but that doesn't necessarily make it reality.

I've met my dream guy, and I didn't meet him in a chat room. I've actually never met someone from a chat room.

Thanks again for commenting. I hope you will find a way to see that not all gay folks live the life you describe. Those that hang out in the bars and clubs might, but that's just a tiny sliver of the population

At 27/11/07 2:59 AM, Anonymous james (sportyguy118@hotmail.com) said...

hi my name is james and i am a 16 years old. i started having these attractions to men wen i was about 14 but i thought they would just go away and were normal, but i soon figuired that they didnt and so far my life is getting really hard all because i'm gay. i am catholic but am starting to question my religon.

there was a stage wen i was 15 wen i just didnt want to talk to anyone and started to become extremely shy. i didnt want anyone to notice me. i tried my hardest to hide every little gay thing i had including my nasal voice i hated. i forced myself to look at girls and try to get off on them which didnt work, and i was becoming really depressed. This meant i was becoming someone i really wasnt, and it was starting to scare me as i hated myself.

high skool has been pretty hard to survive through-out the years but they're getting easier and im starting to accept myself for who i am. i just dont no if anyone else will accept me i mean i've wanted to tell so many people that i'm gay but i have a huge fear of them laughing and telling everybody leaving me lonely and friendless. i really do wish i had a gay friend but im sure all of my friends r straight.I'm sick of pretending im someone im not, i wanna tell people so badly, but am left with a great fear.

p.s its nice to read that there are people gping through these problems and that im not alone.

At 28/11/07 11:20 AM, Anonymous Jarred said...

I can totally identify with what you're saying here, myself. In fact, I denied my feelings for eight years, then tried to fight them for another two years after that. In some ways, I'm still healing from the consequences of that struggle. (Though certainly things have gotten better.)

For me, one of the motivating factors was my faith. I grew up in a very conservative family that attended an equally conservative Batpist church. If I heard about homosexuality at all, it was a very negative thing. So when I realized I had those feelings, I found myself suddenly the kind of person I'd learned to detest.

I remember when I finally came out just in time for college graduation, I was in that state where I tolerated the fact that I was gay and even accepted it, but I wasn't happy about it. Things like gay pride annoyed me. It wasn't until a few years later that I was really able to truly embrace my sexuality.

At 30/11/07 12:17 AM, Blogger Steve R said...

"Funny that when my dad was so upset about my being gay he never realized he was asking me to be alone. I think now he realizes what it all means. He still doesn't understand, but he's slowly figuring it all out."

Brady, this is why my family knows very little about me. At this point they accept me as mysterious. Whatever they suspect, they just don't ask.

It's disheartening to hear things from them like "The worst thing that could happen would be to find out one of our sons was gay."

I'm not even decidedly gay, but them saying that, to me, is synonymous with "if you are anything different than the standard cookie-cutter heterosexual male then you're out/we don't wanna know." So as a result they still don't know much about me.

Being alone sucks though.

At 16/5/08 11:16 PM, Anonymous Gibbles said...

No matter how you look at it homosexuality is wrong. Just because modern western culture says it's not wrong doesn't make it so. There's a reason it's been wrong in every culture and religion until the last few decades. It's not natural and does anyone ever use common sense to see that gay life is destructive and empty? Nope, never. Has anyone ever actually met a monogamous gay couple that has been fully monogamous for over 5 or 10 years? Oh-that's right because the default answer is they're somewhere out there yet no one ever has met them. What about the fact that most gays have drug, alcohol, tobacco and depression issues? Can't have gays say there's truth to that even when your experience tells you otherwise because it makes gays look stupid. I struggle with same sex attraction here and can tell you my life is so much fuller and better that I don't follow blindly to the pro-gay beat. I'm also willing to state that I'd rather bet my future on God being right instead of man. When we die we will find out who is right and I have the conviction to say and mean that I am right in the belief that living a homosexual lifestyle is wrong. I never said struggling with same sex attractions is the same as choosing to play butt darts. Being gay has more choice involved than gays would like you to believe. The gay agenda doesn't have that kind of conviction-they always stop short of stating what they believe until death is involved. Ironic.

At 17/5/08 8:17 AM, Blogger onedeadkid said...

You know gibbles, I found this blog because I’m currently struggling with being gay as well and I was looking for some good feedback from gay folk who went through similar experiences as me. I’ve already come out, and my friends are more supportive than I could have imagined, but every once in a while those old rationalizations would pop into my head that try to convince me that I’m innately bad for being gay.

Reading your post is just the tonic I needed to push through. I'll be damned before I let people like you keep me, or anyone else I know from being happy.

“What about the fact that most gays have drug, alcohol, tobacco and depression issues?”

It’s not because they’re gay that they have drug and depression issues, it’s because they are brought up to think they’re broken, or defective. You would be depressed too if you felt the rest of the world thought you were scum. I’ll also have you know that I have never had a Drug , Alcohol or Tobacco problem. Depression? Hell yes, 7 years of trying to ‘fix’ yourself can do that to a person.

Incidentally research shows that Gays and Straights are pretty much the same when it comes to long term relationships. It may shock you to know that many gay couples actually raise children as well. The stereotypes you are whipping out in your arguments are simple straw men that you can easily knock down. You might want to expand your research to include websites that aren’t linked from conservapedia.com. There are also several documented cases of exclusively gay animals in nature as well. Just google something along the lines of Homosexuality in nature, or Gay Animals, you will find the documentation. I’m not doing your homework for you.

I can’t even begin to tell you how tired I am of hearing about the ’Gay agenda’. It doesn’t exist, just like Jews don’t ‘control all the money’. We’re not out to convert your kids to some deviant lifestyle, but I have come to the conclusion that arguing this with people who have already made up their minds about it is like breaking down a brick wall with your head..

Being Gay is hard, but being a self loathing closet case is much, much worse.

At 17/5/08 5:51 PM, Blogger Steve said...

Onedeadkid, you hit them on the head...gibbles' arguments, that is.

"but I have come to the conclusion that arguing this with people who have already made up their minds about it is like breaking down a brick wall with your head"

-Well said...there's no point in debating it with said people.

So....more power to the open minded!

At 7/6/08 11:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i honestly found this by googling " I hate being gay". i sorta just googled what i was thinking. thank you for posting this it helped alot.

At 9/6/08 6:38 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Thanks Anon. I'm glad it helped. I know it's not an easy thing to deal with, but it gets better...trust me.

At 17/7/08 9:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey. ive never left any ommet on this kinda site. but like the guy before me i typed in google...i hate being gay. im 32 and have struggled with this for as long as i can remember. i have told my sister and she wants m to go see someone and said i cant tell my folks. this is kiling me as i am/thought i was so close to my family.
i know some gay guys and as nice as they are i just cant identify with them.
but some of your comments hacw really helped and i just rely on the fact deep down i know things have to get better.

At 22/7/08 1:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First of all, excuse for my english, as it is not my first language. As many of you I also found this by googling "i hate being gay". I am 30 years old and have consciously been fighting with gay issues for the last four years and a half, and unconsciously, well, all my life (it is only that I did not consciously think about what masturbating to men fantasies implied until 4 years ago, believe it or not).

The problem in my case is that I DID HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY to "come out" to some great gay friends some years ago, after splitting with my then girlfriend, but, as I was feeling depressed, i went on antidepressants and, as the problems seemed to fade away, I just let the opportunity go by. All these gay friends, whom I do not contact anymore, took for granted that I was the hetero of the group, the "macho alpha", and I took advantage of that, which only makes me feel worse now and have the feeling that I cannot go back to them with my current issues.

Another problem is that i have had hetero experiences all my life, some satisfying. Also, while teen and in my twenties I have spontaneouly masturbated to hetero fantasies and lesbian porn. So I guess that I am somewhat more bi. I guess also that is why I am coming out late, because you always try to cling desperately to any het sign...

In any case, I am currently suffering a lot. I have told my father and have been going to therapy for a year, I have also a girlfriend I love and do not want to hurt but feel that I must tell the world what's going on with me and, even then, don't know if i will ever be strong enough to put up with this. It is as if this gay shit did not relate to me in any way, i force myself to talk about it but feel that i am talking abour someone else.

I just want to be a regular guy, marry, enjoy life, show my children to my mother, have a nice loving wife, a life project....sometimes feel I would be better off if I were mentally handicapped, at least would not feel guilty as shit.

At 23/7/08 7:15 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Guys- thanks so much for commenting on this thread. It means so much to me that you've all taken the time to post here, and your stories really hit home with a lot of the things I've gone through or people I know have gone through. Stories like these really show how deeply personal and emotional these types of things can be. I think that gets lost in all the political/religious rhetoric a lot.

Anonymous #1 (two posts up from this one)- I know it hurts to have someone you care about react negatively- it happened with my dad. My advice here is to give it time. Don't go back into the closet with your sister, but also give her her space. It took you 32 years to understand and grasp what you're dealing with, so it's going to take her some time too. I think gradually things will get better. Regarding your parents- do what you feel is best, but prepare yourself. Again, sometimes it can take time.

Anonymous #2 (right above this post)- I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering. I'm not bi, but I held on to the "heterosexual ideal" for quite a while myself. The whole idea you mention of wanting kids and a wife was always my dream growing up. Guess what- it just took to me realize that dreams aren't always meant to be fulfilled. I love my life now, love my bf (err- husband, still weird saying that--see I'm still dealing with this stuff too), and can't imagine being happier, especially if I had gone after the wife and kids. It just wasn't for me, and I'm fine with that. It took a lot of soul searching and accepting myself to get to that point though.

As for coming out- especially with your gay friends- trust them. Let them be there for you. What I found is a lot of the issues I had regarding what other people would think ended up being my issues, not theirs. Once I accepted that, I took a giant leap forward.

At 23/7/08 7:18 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Ok, a couple of more- onedeadkid- congrats on coming out. Regarding your response to gibbles--man, couldn't have said it better myself! (And for the record, anyone that uses the term "butt darts loses basically all credibility in my eyes--sorry gibbles).

At 29/7/08 3:08 PM, Anonymous Jen said...

I wish all of you the best in your journeys.

Gibbles, you should be ashamed of yourself. What a hypocrite you are. Why anyone would ever want to have faith in a god like the one you worship is beyond me. You can have him, I don't want any part of that.

At 11/8/08 1:21 AM, Anonymous Greg said...

I went through a similar journey to you, in that I had a religious upbringing and spent years fighting being gay to no avail (and trust me I tried and hated myself for not being able to change). I can remember the absolute relief when I first told someone I was gay. Each time after when I told someone, I felt exhilerated and relieved when they just didn't care about it. It's funny, I don't know why it took me so long to come out, I guess I was convinced that people would stop liking me, and I also believed that a gay life would be unfulfiling i.e. no kids, family, religioin etc. The truth is that the complete opposite has happened. Now that I am out, I am closer to so many people because I can be fully honest with them. Before coming out I was constantly lying to people and hiding things from them. This really interferred with an open and honest relationship. I have also been in a realtionship for a year now and love sharing my life with someone. My experience as a gay man has been far more fulfilling that a closeted straight one.

Having said all that, I recognise that there are difficulties in being gay, and it is nice to read blogs like this, where I can relate to how other people feel.


At 12/8/08 8:43 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Hey Greg. Thanks for commenting! I love seeing other people's experiences, both for their similarities and their differences. Take care!

At 12/8/08 8:50 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Jen- thanks for stopping by and giving Gibbles a piece of your mind. I'm glad to see he's the only one that's tried to ruin this thread of great comments.

Way up from the top- JAMES- sorry I missed your post up there. If you are still reading...it gets better. Find someone you trust and stay true to yourself. Reach out and people will reach back, even if it doesn't all come over night.

At 30/9/08 4:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a 19 year old guy and have just started my first year at university. I realised i was gay at the age of about 14. I have not come out to anyone, and am dealing with the same depression issues that many of you have raised. I have a very strong group of guy friends and i am absolutely petrified of coming out to them. Those of out that have come out, how did you find that your friends reacted? Did you lose any of your friends? Would i be more lonely after coming out?

I was living with my mum and step-dad before uni and i know that it is something that they would both be able to accept and would be v supportive.

However i too have the dream of growing up, havin a wife and children with a normal life. I see this ever slipping away tho... All i wish is that there was a way that i could still feel sexually attracted to the opposite sex so that i could have a relationship because its all i want. I REALLY hate that i am gay and am not sure if i ever intend on coming out.

At 1/10/08 11:19 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Hey Anonymous,

Let me start by saying that I'm sorry that you are having to struggle with this. I know how hard being in the closet was for me, and I don't wish that on anyone.

However, I can also say that those issues aren't things I'm dealing with anymore (please feel free to check out my "I like being gay" post to get a contrast of what I wrote in this post.

I'm glad to hear you think your family would be supportive of you. That can go along way. My dad's side was not, and that was quite a struggle for me, but in the end he turned around. In fact, he and a couple of other family members were the only ones that had a problem with my being gay. We went through a rough patch, some of them didn't go to my big gay wedding, but none of them abandoned me...none of them.

I'm not going to say abandonment won't happen, and I'd really encourage you to prepare for that (hey, it's taken you this long to get used to this, so they may need some time too), but my experience was that coming out allowed me to get closer to my friends.

I no longer had to hide my feelings. I always felt like I was lying to my friends and family, and it kept me from being close to them to a degree. I think there's a good chance that you'll grow closer to your friends. You may lose some, but you may not, and not to be crass, but is a friend that would ditch you like that worth having?

As for dreams--I had dreams of a wife and kids too, and that didn't happen. But you know what, I didn't have control over that. I wasn't going to be happy or complete with a wife and kids, as much as I tried to convince myself of that, and I realize now that coming out and loving myself and my boyfriend have given the completeness that I was hoping for with a wife and kids.

Best of luck and take care.

At 28/10/08 10:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Like two or three others, I just typed in google "I hate being gay" and this came up. I seriously honor the people who come out's courage. I don't think I'll ever come out. I think about how great it would be to finally be myself, to find a man to love me and to love back. It sucks. I love thinking about a man holding me in his arms and telling me it's okay. I'm so afraid of what people will say that it sickens me.

I'm so tired of this. It's all I think about anymore.

Another thing is that for some reason I feel like I have to have sex with a woman before I can truly come out. Don't ask me why, because I myself cannot even say why. I just feel like I have to. I mean, I'm sure I could sleep with a woman and have a good time, but I could never love one.

Why does this have to be so hard?

At 30/10/08 2:34 AM, Blogger Steve said...

Most recent anonymous:

I can't answer your final question. You, me, and a LOT of other people have to ask it though. I imagine you're at the stage where going online for support seems like the only option? For me it was, for a while. I VERY slowly started hinting at my sexuality with my friends, and over the past year or so began to confide in them, with positive results. Few ditched me, and they have all been supportive; at the very least accepting. AND coming out to them and still being accepted has proven their trustworthiness and love as friends - you can use it as a way to figure out who your real friends are. Hopefully they can help you to find your own courage - it is there!!!

It took me a while to love myself as I am, but I am getting there. Realize that you neither chose to be the way you are nor chose to be created that way; those cards were never in your hands. DON'T deny who you are because society says you should - seriously, fuck 'em all.

I KNOW how difficult even accepting yourself can feel. And coming out to family, yikes, I drove home earlier this evening with that intent but was too scared to have 'the talk' - Me and many other people on here can relate to how you feel. So take it ONE STEP at a time! You don't have to come out to everyone all at once! Start small. Keep dreaming of that amazing lover you want so bad. Heck, even keep your eyes open for him :-p.

But at the end of the day, I can't answer your last question.


At 30/10/08 9:39 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Anon- I like Steve's response to you. As for not coming out...I used to think I wouldn't ever do it too. I promised myself it is the one secret I would never tell anyone else. But, like you mention, it started to be all I ever thought about, and it was eating me up inside. It was hurting my relationships with my friends and family, and eventually I literally broke down and called my mom and told her.

You have to do what is right for you, but I promise, eventually things get better. It sucks for a while sometimes (it did when I told my dad--I mean really sucked), but I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not made that first plunge.

Even if you don't come out, though, reach out to someone (even online). Talking through your feelings, at the very least, will help a lot.

At 30/10/08 12:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Steve and Brady thankyou so much for your answers. (I'm the most recent anon)

It's just that it seems everyone out here hates gay people. I know that it's not necessarily true but I'm so sick of going out with friends and if being gay gets brought up it's a who can say faggot the most contest. It really sucks. I realize now who I am and I at least accept myself about it. It's very refreshing to hear people talk about how their lives are positive and not full of discrimination. (which for some reason I think it is)

Anyways-Thankyou both for answering my question to the best of your ability. It meant alot.

At 16/11/08 1:12 AM, Anonymous Robert Walker said...

This is so weird...I first had feelings for the opposite sex at the age of 4. And it was constant throughout my life. But I'm bi. And I've always wondered if it was possible that out there, there was someone who was ONLY GAY. I mean...didn't have a sexual attraction to girls at all. Sorry if I sound out of it...but I just really hoped that for those "strictly gay" dudes out there, that there was at least a shred of attraction that they could hold on to in order to have that nice lifestyle of a wife and kids. Being a Christian...it's really hard to balance this thorn in my flesh with the reality that homosexuality IS a sin. We can't get around that. But just like lusting is a sin...or stealing...or premarital sex. But just because you do it, doesn't mean you're a bad person. The thief, may very well be a good person. The issue is not that if you steal, you'll go to hell. Nor is it, if you're gay you'll go to hell. The issue of sin, I believe, is that simply, we're not living out life, the way God intended. I don't believe you go to hell for that. I believe you go to hell for a constant denial of God and no belief in who He is or what He's done. But we all struggle. Straight, Gay & Bi. Not bad people, just Real people, with a Real problem. There's a Real God! One that doesn't throw lightning bolts and thunder because you like men or lie. But one who wants you to fight through life's struggles and tell people about Him. Come as you are. But don't beat yourself up, or Kill yourself because you fall short. But don't stop trying to fulfill His will.
SO that's what I have so far, my issue now...is that...I have no idea how a Strictly gay person is to deal with such feelings when they have NO attraction to females. But then I wonder...in the past, according to Old Testament Law, if a brother left a widow, the living brother would then take the widow as HIS wife, to honor the dead brother. But the worldly question remains...what if the brother isn't attracted to her. But the law is the law. So I'm led to ask, Have we put too much emphasis on Sexual Attraction, and the idea is to live out life the way God wants...denying ourselves of our flesh, which for gay people, means you get satisfied by your wife...even if it's not your First, Second or even Third preference. But you're still satisfied, have kids and enjoy that life...or throw all your eggs in the basket, deny all of that, and live with the torment of loneliness, because you don't have homosexual sex, but don't like women, or just fully indulge and go gay, satisfying your sexual desire, but denying the way God wants it done. Please note, I don't have it all figured out. These are just thoughts and questions that I have. Any advice or feedback would be appreciated.

At 16/11/08 11:16 AM, Anonymous onedeadkid said...

well, Robert, I'm fairly certain I'm 100% gay. I can find women attractive, but I have never wanted to see them naked, or want to sleep with them, in fact, the idea of doing so is a huge turn off for me. (this was something that made most of my younger years VERY confusing and depressing.)

I don't believe there is a god, so I never really had to tackle the religious issue that you're bringing to the table, but I am sure there are others out there that could help you with that.

Oh, to everyone reading this blog, I know the prop 8 thing was a huge setback for us, but don't give up hope! It's not a question of IF , it's a question of WHEN.

At 16/11/08 10:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dont no if anyone has any advise but.... im 15 yrs old and im gay. i know my parents and friends would accept me but i really cant accept myself for being gay, infact i hate the topic it makes me anxious to even think about it. i know some of u guys have gotten over these thoughts, so what helped you to get through ur teen years? + how do you meet other gay people?

At 17/11/08 3:20 AM, Blogger onedeadkid said...

To the latest anonymous.
I know where you're coming from, a year ago I wouldn't have even googled 'am i gay' because I was so uncomfortable with myself. Trust me, that does go away with time, but try not to rush it, you have to go at the pace that is comfortable for you.

It's entirely possible you've got some internalized homophobia, most gay people I've met had some form of it or another before they came to accept themselves, for me finding and exposing myself to more gay culture helps a lot, especially given the way the media portrays us.

I came out in my late 20s, so
I'm not sure where you could go at your age to meet other gay people, most colleges have some kind of lgbt club or something, but that's a ways off.

A website that helped me out when I was first dealing with being gay was http://gaylife.about.com/ there's a lot of info there, that might help you out.

Best of luck to you, and it does get easier! :)

At 17/11/08 3:09 PM, Blogger Brady said...

Hey Robert. Thanks for stopping by! I agree with onedeadkid that I don't have any attraction to the opposite sex. I mean none. Trust me, I tried...hard. I also struggled with how I would deal with this. Basically I had to come to a very personal decision...that God didn't want his children to suffer and go through life alone. Obviously the straight community at large, Christian and non-Christian alike, agree with this conclusion. Most people couldn't even imagine going through life without at least the hope of finding someone to spend it with. The only problem is, most straight Christians (not all) are only willing to give themselves the luxury of not being alone (see remarriage being ok these days). It's somehow easier to tell someone else they can be alone than it is to tell ourselves that.

I like your comments, though. I wish everyone would have such empathy and thoughtfulness with dealing with this issue. I guess you're in a unique place to do that, though, being bi and all.

Anonymous- thanks to you for stopping by too. What helped me get through my teen years was not addressing my gayness with anyone...even myself. Looking back, though, I regret it. I missed out on a lot of stuff...dating, those butterflies you have when you talk to someone you really like, etc. I hid my sexuality as a way to deal with being gay, but I ended up having more shallow relationships with my friends and family as a result. Think about it...I was hiding a big part of my life, lying about it so as to not draw attention to myself.

I'm not saying you need to come out. Definitely do what is best for you. But, at the same time, I think acknowledging your attractions, and realizing that being gay isn't at all the stereotypes you see on tv or hear about in a lot of movies. That helped me, a ton. I'm me--I just happen to be gay. As for meeting gay people your age--maybe try a local teen gay organization. I know there is one here in my town and in a few others. Maybe a gay club at school. Otherwise, as much as I hate to say it...maybe online. Definitely be careful there, and find people in your same age and mindset. Good luck. Just know things get easier. It may seem insurmountable now (I know it did for me), but in the end, it will always work out.

At 11/2/09 3:57 AM, Anonymous jason said...

Hello people (and Brady)
Im the anonoymys guy who posted back in June. Its been an interesting few months. My sister is now kinda in denial and doesnt even mention it. I choose not to either, I mean its not like she can forget.
I also told one of my best friends (a girl) and she was amazing and really supportive. My next stage is telling my bro and my dad but I honestly dont think I can ever tell my mum as it wld break her heart. Ive met some good gay friends, but, and I feel awful for saying this, there are certain things about them that I cant accept. (but guess i have to, thats friendship after all). they literraly are so lovely, but i know one of them goes crusing in parks, and another one is just too gay. (but that is my issue, i know, not his). one other guy, i really fell for as he is so normal, we had a thing, and then quite nastily, just ended it and went with someone else! so my experience so far has not been great.
anyway 7 or so months on i have told one more person and thinking about telling more. But. Im not the kinda person to get depressed, and Im geting so sick of thinking about this 24/7!!1 Its so dull! Im thinking of going docs to get me on anti depressents (i sound like a nutjob!) but think that may help me in telling more people. Ive got to the point that I dont want another year to go by where im missing out on meeting a decent lad to share my life with. (which on the outside is a great life, but i know everyone is gonna be surprised how alone i feel).
brady - thanks for replying to my comment, thats really good of you and sorry its taken me months to get back to you. like i said, i have NEVER written on anything on this, im just a normal las whatever that is, but i felt strongly enough and tocuhed enough by what was on here.
and dont even get me started on gay chat rooms!! grr!
thanks again. heres to my next post where more people know eh....maybe one day i will like being gay.

At 11/2/09 2:07 PM, Blogger Maythen said...

Hi Jason,

There are a lot of things going on in your post, but the main four things I thought I'd reply to are the following: you think you'll break your mother's heart, you think a friend is 'too gay', your depressed feelings and (oh no!) gay chat rooms.

It's really difficult sometimes to tell somebody close to you that you are gay, especially a parent. When you are born, your parents have instant expectations of you that are reinforced by society, the media and indeed, your parents. And this isn't your fault. You did not ask for these expectations. (And come to think of it, neither did your parents). They invest a lot of energy thinking about what your life will be like, but you are not obliged to follow blindly what they imagined you would do. This is true for things such as careers as well as family life. And as harsh as it sounds, your mum needs to accept who you are, regardless of her beliefs or expectations. I think the onus is on her to support your life and decisions, as opposed to your obligation to fulfill whatever life she imagined for you. She won't stop loving you, trust me.

You say your friend is 'too gay'. What I think you mean to say is 'too camp' or 'too flamboyant'. The two are not inextricably linked. You can be butch and gay, and you can be camp and straight. However, overtly camp men are generally a problem for emerging gays because they are viscerally confronted with the deepest part of them that they wish would go away. It's often true that what we don't like about somebody else is what we don't like about ourselves.

In regards to your depressed feelings, go and talk to a professional but don't automatically assume that pills will be the answer. Sometimes just talking to somebody can be very helpful.

And finally, you generally don't find meaningful relationships on chatrooms. It sounds like you've had a bad experience with that guy, but we all have bad experiences, regardless of our gender or sexuality. Trust me!! Instead, why don't you find a gay group devoted to one of your favourite hobbies or interests? Chat rooms are generally designed to facilitate sex, which is great if that's what you're looking for. But, if you want something more, you're more likely to find something fulfilling in a gay reading group, or a gay football team or something like that. Pick an interest and find a gay-related group. If you're in the UK, there are quite a few in the Manchester and London areas which are relatively easy to get to. Just google them.

Anyway, hope that was of some help!


At 11/2/09 2:18 PM, Blogger Steve said...

Mikey, I couldn't have said it better - well done. I love how this thread has become somewhat of a coming out support group.

At 12/2/09 6:51 AM, Anonymous Jason said...

Thanks a lot for taking the time to reply to my comment. Its really decent of you and is appreciated. It really makes me think that I have to start tellin some of my friends because I know they will say the same types of things. (Despite, I know a lot of jokes about it!). There will be a few who cant handle it, but I guess I need to get strong and realise its there problem not mine. With regards my mum, honestly,she really will take it badly, as did my sister and Im worried that it will cause a wedge in the family. But I have to start living my life, its not hers and I dont want to end up alone. From the people on this thread it does show me that other decent people are out there and its my job to find them, I do hear what your sayin and I think you are right about most things. I guess the big part is that Im scared my life is going to be so different once I tell everyone. I dont want to be known as the gay one, or have pity or be known that I met someone at a gay group etc. I still wanna be one of the guys and do the normal things etc. (you know what I mean). But you know, as Im typing this I realise how stupid it sounds and over and over again it comes back to the fact its my own issues I have to deal with.
But honestly, your reply really does go some way to helping me get to wherever my next step is. I cant see myself holding the rainbow flag on a march just yet, but Im definately getting a lot closer with being comfortable with who I am.Well I think I am anyway...I cant keep going on like I am! And then telling other people! (Well a few know as I said, thats scary enough).
Thanks once again for yr advice I take it on board. And likewise if there is anyone else out there as rambling and incoherent about this whole issue as I am, Im happy to reply back to you if I can be any help. Although I think Mikey will do it a whole lot better!!

At 14/2/09 2:13 PM, Blogger Maythen said...

Hi Jason,

Honestly, it was a pleasure replying to your post. I think just communicating with other people about this can really help you accept who you are. Getting used to ourselves and even learning to love who we are (I told a friend yesterday how I love being gay) is a really difficult journey, and one that I don't think you ever finish. There are a few things I'd like to expand on in regards to your reply.

First of all, true friendship is pretty much unconditional. If a friend cannot accept such a massive part of your life, personality and indeed yourself, then they cannot be a true friend. Imagine if you didn't agree with their heterosexuality and asked not to talk about it because it made you feel uncomfortable!! A true friend really won't give a damn.

The issue with your mum is a tough one. But I think the important thing is to start a dialogue with her. If you eventually decide to tell her, do it from a place of integrity, honesty and (yes) pride. You might not be waving the flag just yet, but I think if you tell her that you are happy who you are, and she can see that, then she might be more willing to accept it. Also, try to anticipate what she'll say and talk to you about. She has her fears, prejudices and preconceptions that you'll have to challenge, but it'll be worth it.

I know what you mean about being labelled 'the gay one'. I think a lot of gay people fall into the trap of letting it define their personality, as opposed to being a part of it. I like the analogy of a glass of water and a couple of drops of food colouring. Although the food colouring colours all of the water, it doesn't make up the vast majority of what's in the glass. It's the same with my personality. Although being gay colours most of what I do and say, it does not make me 'me'.

If you have any more questions or need to talk, you can contact me through my blog, or keep it open on here.


At 18/2/09 7:21 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Sorry for the late return to this post, guys, but thanks for the comments. I agree, I really like the conversation here (and the budding support group). Very cool!

Jason- thanks for updating us on how things are going. Keep being patient. I'm so glad your friend was supportive, and I hope they continue to go that way. Stay positive. There will be bad times, but keep focusing on the good ones.

Regarding being the gay one- I wanted to talk about that because it was one of by big fears too. I didn't want to be the gay friend, the gay uncle, etc. I realized, though, that that was more my baggage than anything else. I might have people call me their gay friend these days, but I don't mind. It's not all of who I am, and once I realized that, I became more and more ok with it.

Mikey- thanks for chiming in with the advice. Good stuff!

At 18/2/09 12:25 PM, Blogger onedeadkid said...


I really do love reading these comments. I came out about a year ago (I think you can see my initial comment somewhere in the blog) and I can really say it does get a lot easier.
I used to be afraid of being labeled the 'gay one', or even changing into some kind of lame stereotype due to expected behaviour. I have to say, it's really not the case. Someone made a food coloring in water comment and I would say that's pretty apt.

My behaviour has changed a bit, but only in terms of 'things I liked or wanted to do but couldn't because I didn't want to 'look gay' I have allowed myself to do' and I love myself for it.

I'm pretty sure I'm the 'gay one' with my friends, but when they refer to me as that, I don't feel upset or pigeonholed. I feel accepted, because it's not said with intonation, and to me being labeled 'gay' is a badge of honor, it represents overcoming one of the biggest identity crisis of my life and that is something that no amount of judgement or sideways glances can take away from me. I think of my life now, and how my life would have been if I were still in the closet and the two don't even compare. I'm so glad that I went through the work to get where I am now it was scary as hell, but honestly, it was the best thing I ever did.

It does take time, and I still have little worries from time to time, but these are less and less. It does get better, and to anyone just coming out or struggling with it: You really are not alone and it really does get better.

At 23/2/09 7:37 PM, Blogger ArmoredCity said...

Wow, it is really awesome how the comments here have taken off. I just want to add my encouraging story to the list for those who are still feeling fear/shame/depression etc...

Even though I have been 100% gay all my life, I managed to stay in the deepest denial until I was 21. Then when I came out to myself, I had about 2.5 yrs of heavy depression - always fearful that people would find out, but at the same time obsessively wishing I could tell someone.

I started coming out slowly; at first it was really hard although all but one of my friends has been really supportive. I almost view it as a dual process of finding out who you are and finding who your friends actually are. I realized that when my "best friend" stopped treating me with kindness upon finding out this one aspect of me, that she wasn't much of a friend. meanwhile, I am so much more in touch with my feelings and my personality. I literally feel like a completely new version of me, as if I had been hibernating in a cocoon for 23 years and have now finally emerged.

All my relationships, including with my conservative Christian parents, have become deeper and more authentic.

if you are a Christian and are gay, I would highly recommend checking out the Gay Christian Network which has a lot of great resources for understanding what the Bible really says about being gay.

Thanks Brady for starting this!

At 15/3/09 11:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

as a late bloomer, i didn't become attracted to guys until my late teens. it was about senior of HS year i had my first crush on a guy, [and in no way] was i cool with letting anyone know.

i'm now 21 and still trying to deal with being gay -- or coming out for that matter. sure, a couple of my closest (girl) friends know, but every time i find a guy who i think is into me -- is straight.

being a Catholic (and having overzealous religious family members) surely doesn't help. it's nice to see that i'm not alone.

At 20/3/09 8:44 AM, Blogger TRiG said...

I had to deal with coming out as gay and coming out as an atheist at roughly the same time. I wanted to leave a bit of a gap between them, because I didn't want anyone to think I'd left my religion simply because it didn't suit me.

I'm out now, to family and friends, but I don't know any other gay people in real life. (I've met a few online.) I'm not aware of any groups here in the Irish midlands, but there may be some. I'll keep an eye out.


At 31/3/09 1:50 PM, Blogger Jason D said...

hello, found you via bilerico. Great blog here.

Speaking for myself, when I was 17, and for a very brief moment realized I was gay (before shoving it as far to the back of mind as possible) - I thought for sure I'd be dead by 21, 26 at the latest.

I'm 31, gay, out, and happy. Is life perfect? No, of course not, it's not perfect for my straight brother, straight family, or my many straight friends either.

I've been out of the closet almost 9 years, and I'm coming up on the 3rd anniversary with my partner -- who I met on a gay dating site. We've been living together over a year now, and seeing him first thing in the morning is the best part of my day. No, we're not party party drug addicts, I don't drink and he barely does, we don't go to bars, bath-houses and yes, we happen to be monogamous - it suits us. It doesn't hurt that we live on the outskirts of Chicago (a very gay friendly city), in a blue state.

Yes, I used to drink until I vomitted so much --I'd burst capilarries around my eyes. Drunk freckles. Years ago I thought I'd never meet anyone this great. But I stopped drinking, saw a therapist, got over myself, and decided that I was just going to live my life my way, and fuck anyone (straight or gay) who said I had to live my life like them.

Somehow I managed to find a man who agreed, 1 date turned into 2, then 3, then 5. It was the 7th date when I realized I was dealing with a mature adult. It was a rough road, but now both our families accept us as gay, and as a committed couple on par with our siblings' relationships.

Yeah, I used to hate being gay, I used to hate other gay men. Now I don't care.

And if you'd told me at 17 that all these great things lay ahead of me, that'd i'd be alive and happy at 31 -- I'd say you were a sick crazy mofo. But it happened.

At 8/4/09 9:49 PM, Anonymous dazed and confused said...

I guess i go through the stages in a circle. Denial, adjusting, acceptance, confusion, then back to denial. Im a senior in college and going through some of the same issues i went through as a freshman again. In highschool, i was extremely shy so i didn't seek anyone romantically, except for when i got really wasted the first time on my senior prom night.

When I got to college, I was in a new state, new setting, and i had to start over making friends so i reinvented myself. This ment getting wasted thursday through sunday and hoking up with drunken girls at frat parties while putting the gay thoughts to the back of my mind. The last day of freshman year, i talked to the gay guy at the end of the dorm hall and we made out and i dry humped him. The week before sophmore year i was interning in a different state from my college and home, got drunk on my fake id, and had sex with a random guy. Sophmore year i still chased girls and i would run from anyone gay. I began thinking i might be bi and drank more.

When i turned 21, i met some bi, gay, and gay friendly people in the next town over from school and began just hanging with them. Also at that time one of my 'straight' buddies gave me coke for the first time, i hated it.

That summer, i interned in a major city, and began slowly at first, but began frequenting gay bars making friends. For me it was more about belonging and havign friends, not about finding a hookup. I did the same thing at school with straight friends. But Junior year i secretly began going to gay activities, parties, drag shows, etc, but didnt officially come out. By the end of the year i went from the new 'striaight; guy, to in the know for gay parties, to by the end of the year i didnt like the gays at my school, but still said hi when i saw them. That summer i interned in the same city and a buddy gave me coke. i had accepted i liked boys and girls, but didnt like the girly side of being gay.

Im not extremely masculine, i like clothes and am not too athletic, but Senior year i decided not to go out of my way to associate with gays. The problem was my closest friends were older and graduated. I began hanging with a set of my straight friends that liked to party hard. I didnt know, but the more i hung out with them, i learned they were heavy into weed, coke, extasy, mushrooms, adderal, zanex, and heroine, but i never did heroine.

Everyone that knows me knows that if i dont feel like walkign home at the end of the night, im crashing on someones floor, couch or bed, but when i started crashing on a weekly basis, i began noticing a few weird things. Everyone always crashed with atleast 2 or 3 guys per bed on the weekends, unless a girl was in hte bed. I dont know if it was the drugs, my fantasys, or a combination of both, but i began fucking and hooking up with girls alot while always looking foward to rolling with my boys on the weekend. At this point i began thinking again i was completely straight. I figured i was straight, but just required a close conection with buddies.

Then the one i knew the longest asked me if i was gay while under the influence of X, i told him i wasnt at first, then i told him i was bi. Evertything was cool for a few weeks. Then some of the others in our group started acting funny. And after awhile the others started acting shaddy towards me and avoiding me.

Now im really confused and back at square 1. Have i been rejected by people i thought were my close friends due to feelings i dont even act on anymore?

Am i completely straight and just crave the attention of guys becasue i had no brothers and was extremely shy during my formative years?

Or am i just fooling myself, they r creeped out becasue i got too intimate a freind and they found out i had been with a guy so, so should i just go gay even though i dont fit in or like the same things as the gays around my college town?

Finally, is it possible to go back like it was a month ago, fucking girls while hanging out with those budies?

Dazed and confused collegge student!

At 8/8/09 8:50 AM, Blogger Rev. said...

I've been reading some of the posts and can identify with praying "God help me to change" and the struggles of trying to hide one's gayness in high school. Today I am a 54 yr old gay man who has been married to a wonderful man for 20 years. We are both successful in life and are accepted by more straight people than we could ever have thought. I learned a long time ago that flaunting one's gayness is a turnoff to many straight people, but those who get to know you as a human being don't think too much of it when they later learn you're gay.

God DID change me - he changed me into a happy gay person who is not only a Christian, but a minister as well. In my struggles earlier in life I recall one person who was praying for me tell me that God told her I was his. More recently I've been involved with a minister who, when he found out I was gay, questioned God regarding my involvement with his ministry. God's response was "do not call unclean what I have cleansed." Acts 10th & 11th chapters confirm this where Peter questioned the people he was to meet and associate with.

For those who are struggling with your faith I pray you will allow God to assist you to understand he didn't make a mistake when he created you. He loves you just the way you are. For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that EVERYONE who believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. God did NOT send his son into the world to condemn it but that the world might be saved through him. John 3:16-17

God bless you!
Rev. Michael

At 11/11/09 5:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so fuking sick of how weird it is to be gay, and how I cant know whats right or wrong anymore and how cynical i get by the minute because I am gay and I dont kno what to do about it...

Sad Gay Person :(.

At 25/11/09 3:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, I HATE being gay lol. I like my life, and I like my relationship (with a male), but the only thing I wish I could change is my sexual orientation. However, I know that I can not change that part of myself, so I just try not to let it bother me too much lol.

I used to be very open about my sexuality, but it brought me a lot of grief lol. Now I am safely tucked back inside the closet, and free to do the things I like doing -- namely, teaching Sunday School to young kids, volunteering as a mentor at an elementary school, joining the Armed Forces Reserves, and just being one of the guys at work and at school. (You can always hear me talking about sports, cars, and country music lol and of course girls too with my guy friends) All things you have an EXTREMELY hard time doing if you are openly gay lol.

I can't even imagine what the Reserves would be like if I was actually honest about myself lol, not to mention my church kids' parents, or the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization. And YES, I would lose a ton of friends lol. I prefer being in the closet a LOT more than the alternative lol.

I am jealous of guys that are comfortable with being homosexual. Personally, while I love my relationship, I especially love that he and I keep it a tightly wrapped secret. We actually tell everyone else that we are uncle and nephew (he is older lol), and so far everyone has bought that story.

The only thing I worry about would be if my relationship ended. How would I meet other guys? I think meeting guys online leads to sleezy sexual encounters, and I don't like that kind of thing. I also worry what would happen if my secrets were revealed to other people. It would be really hard lol. Oh well

At 25/3/10 4:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

how are you boys.
i would like to thank all the comments on this page,by reading them it has helped me realise who i realy am,im not out yet,ive had a couple of relationships with a fuw girls in the past,i think it was just a front to all my friends and family,they just didnt work out and i lost interest.i knew i was gay when i was just 14,i didnt do any thing with a man until i was 19,just before i joined the army.ive been with a couple of men from the chatroom sites only for no string fun,i would love to cum out but its so hard for me at the moment being in the army and all that,i also play rugby,so to cum out to all the boys would just be to much head work,i went with this lad from my own village about a year ago,i think that was the worst mastake of my life,he promised me he wouldnt say nothing to anyone,he only went and told all his friends that he went with me,and the word spread around,people even put it on facebook,i just didnt know what to do,i went very depressed and had sum very bad thoughts,all the people in the village was asking me if its true,i just said its bullshit,but i get so paranoid when i go down my local pubs,becouse i know people are talking behind my back,i really couldnt stop worrying about it,so i had to tell sumone about it,so i told my sister,ive got to say she was brilliant,she really helped me out and it was nice to just get it of my chest.
ive only got 18 months left in the army and im really thinking about cumming out when i leave,i would love to settle down with a nice man now.it will be very hard for me to cum out but ive got a very loving family wich i hope will exept me for who i am.i cant go on much more in living a lie.

thank you all for your help.

At 23/4/10 5:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It has been really helpful reading all of these stories.
But I really dont know if i could ever come out, it would just be so hard because the way I look and act are nothing like your stereotypical gay person. All of my friends are as strait as can be and i have been in group conversations about random things where the topic of people being gay would somehow come up and almost all of them see it as wrong(guys and girls expressing these views).I am 19 and just finished my first year of university and i really cant even tell if any of the guys i see around are like me. It seems I am only attracted to straight guys and i cant tell if when a guy like that looks at me if its just because he wants to be friends or if its more than that. I just find it so hard to relate to other gays!

At 14/7/10 1:06 PM, Blogger Seeker said...

hi dude...feels great to read your blog..although not fully..i read a few articles..i can so relate to it..m new to this whole world...been in denial..so quite a comfort to hear someone speak my words!!!!!

At 21/8/10 12:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please, to anyone who reads this, I am in desperate need of advice or support. I am 18 years old and am literally on the verge of killing myself, I just can't take it any longer...For most of my life I was considered very popular, a lot of girls say that I am good looking so essentially I was "forced" into the jocks/preppy group containing all the cool rich kids.

Well recently, I began to lose most of my friends because I go F-in bipolar on them because I get soooo angry when my friends talk about what girl he likes and how great the sex was, and then theres me playing this charade pretending to like this girl and pretending to like that one, but never having the inspiration to actually want them. So, yea I have been extremely angry, moody, and depressed for the last year and lash out at almost anyone. Consequently, Ive lost most of my friends, instead of having the old 30-40 kids I would hang out with, it is now 1-2 at best.

I mean I just couldn't fit in anymore, being "set up" on double dates with my friend would end in disaster because the girl would have zero interest in me because I had zero interest in her, and then this caused my friends to stop doing stuff like this with me and it got to the point where I can't do any "guy" stuff with my guy friends because I Just can't fake it anymore.

Oh the next bad part, doing anything homosexual is against my religion, christianity. But I dont see how this is fair, I didn't "choose" to be gay, so must I remain absent from any form of sexual intimacy in order to have a place in heaven? Can't god forgive me? As I write this right now I feel like crying and just throwing myself out my window or something its just not fair that I have to live like this. I live a LIE. I cannot EVER tell my parents, they are so opposed to gays that I can't even begin to describe it, they detest it more than anything.

I have nothing right now, I have no one, and most importantly, I never have fun anymore. My life feels as if its coming to a close, which is so sad because I am so young. If I could just be straight, all my problems would go away.

It saddens me when some of my closest friends make fun of gays and say that they detest them and wish they were all dead. I wish that they would be forced to be gay for just 1 day so they can know what its like. Being attracted to someone but never being able to show it.

Also, please tell me if this is normal. I honestly am not attracted to guys who act all feminine and talk gayish. Are most gays like that? Or do most gays act "straight" meaning you would never know if they were gay. I mean, nobody can really tell with me, because I can fake it well, realllyyy well.

But yea, im just done with this BS lol, rants over.

At 21/8/10 12:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please, to anyone who reads this, I am in desperate need of advice or support. I am 18 years old and am literally on the verge of killing myself, I just can't take it any longer...For most of my life I was considered very popular, a lot of girls say that I am good looking so essentially I was "forced" into the jocks/preppy group containing all the cool rich kids.

Well recently, I began to lose most of my friends because I go F-in bipolar on them because I get soooo angry when my friends talk about what girl he likes and how great the sex was, and then theres me playing this charade pretending to like this girl and pretending to like that one, but never having the inspiration to actually want them. So, yea I have been extremely angry, moody, and depressed for the last year and lash out at almost anyone. Consequently, Ive lost most of my friends, instead of having the old 30-40 kids I would hang out with, it is now 1-2 at best.

I mean I just couldn't fit in anymore, being "set up" on double dates with my friend would end in disaster because the girl would have zero interest in me because I had zero interest in her, and then this caused my friends to stop doing stuff like this with me and it got to the point where I can't do any "guy" stuff with my guy friends because I Just can't fake it anymore.

Oh the next bad part, doing anything homosexual is against my religion, christianity. But I dont see how this is fair, I didn't "choose" to be gay, so must I remain absent from any form of sexual intimacy in order to have a place in heaven? Can't god forgive me? As I write this right now I feel like crying and just throwing myself out my window or something its just not fair that I have to live like this. I live a LIE. I cannot EVER tell my parents, they are so opposed to gays that I can't even begin to describe it, they detest it more than anything.

I have nothing right now, I have no one, and most importantly, I never have fun anymore. My life feels as if its coming to a close, which is so sad because I am so young. If I could just be straight, all my problems would go away.

It saddens me when some of my closest friends make fun of gays and say that they detest them and wish they were all dead. I wish that they would be forced to be gay for just 1 day so they can know what its like. Being attracted to someone but never being able to show it.

Also, please tell me if this is normal. I honestly am not attracted to guys who act all feminine and talk gayish. Are most gays like that? Or do most gays act "straight" meaning you would never know if they were gay. I mean, nobody can really tell with me, because I can fake it well, realllyyy well.

At 23/8/10 6:55 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Anonymous- I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I can't say that I've been in the exact same situation, but I've definitely gone through something similar.

Being gay wasn't easy for me either. I was in the closet for a long time and didn't think I'd ever come out. But you know what, somehow it all worked out in the end. I didn't lose any friends. My family got over it and still love me just as much as always. And I have a bunch of amazing new friends now.

I'm not going to say that it's going to be easy, but it definitely gets easier. Please find a support system. Whether it's people you think you can trust in person or finding people you can talk to online--you really need to talk to someone and not keep all of this stuff pent up.

I know you probably feel alone and desperate now, but you don't have to, and if you find someone you can confide in, it will make all of this so much easier. Trust me, lots of people have to deal with this (unfortunately), so there are definitely people out there than can help you and remind you that you're still the same person you've always been. You'll make it through...and you'll be proud of yourself once you do.

At 5/1/11 5:02 PM, Blogger Anthony said...

congratulations for being brave

At 14/4/11 11:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i was looking at this but found this Christian website that helped www.bradengrant.weebly.com

At 24/4/11 7:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dealing with being gay is possiblly the hardest issue anyone can ever have to deal with. I am a 45 year old man that has dealt with this and have now decided I can no longer live the lie. I have been married to an incredible woman for 25 years and have three wonderful kids.

My world as i know it, is about to come crashing down. I have told my wife, who has had suspicion for some time. We have talked in depth about what and how I am going to deal with this.

I know deep inside the right thing to do is cowboy-up and make my marrige and family work. but I have become so bitter and unhappy I am making everyone around me miserable.

Any support and advice out there would be most helpfull.

At 1/6/11 3:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello all. Thanks for these messages. I want to talk in order to relieve, but most messages date back to 2008 etc, so I'm not sure if anyone is still out there ...

This will be a long, and probably a boring message. I'll totally udnerstand, if you don't read it all.

Anyway, my name is Baran, I'm 21 and I'm not from the US, or Europe. They sa that the United States is very religius country. I say: « Yeah, right ... Have you ever been to my country? ». In my country the majority of the people is muslim. I know I'm not a muslim, but I'm not sure if God exists or not. (I try not to think about it too much.) I don't have relgious issues in my mind. (Like "Will God accept me in the other life?" ... Heck I'm not even accepted in this first life he gave me :/ )

I speak 6 languages (maybe not as perfect as the native speakers) and let me tell you something: My native language seems to be the richest of all, when it comes to insulting gay people. Even now, I can count 20 words very easily, that offensively mean "gay". And only one word is not-offensive which is "homoseksüel", (I guess you can figure the word), and this is a foreign word.

Languages evolve the way its speakers reflect things. You can see how the people in my country think about people like me.

I'm sorry if I've so far bored you to death. This is my first time talking about this.

I'm gay, and I've been gay for my entire life. I remember, at the age of even 7 or 8, I would wear my mom's skirts, or high-heeled shoes. I'm not girly, actually I look so macho that my friends always ask me how I don't have any girlfriend ...

I've grown up with my family, telling me all the time that they always feared 2 things:

1. That I would refuse to go to school. (Which didn't happen: I'm studying engineering)

2. That I'd be a gay.

And they would add: "We're so thankful (to God?) that these two things aren't the case."

Coming up to my family? - No, thanks.

(I'm the only child, by the way.)

My dad usually tells me: "Why do you never bring your girlfriends home? Or have you never had any? When I was at your age, I had 5 girl-friends at any one time!"

My mom usually tells me: "When you finish the school, find a nice girl, and have some kids, will you? I'm looking forward to have grandchildren!"

There is a singer, a diva, in my country - very famous (in my country). She is a transsexual. And the public never talks about it, you would think they accepted her. Isn't that paradoxal?

[[Continues in the next message]]

At 1/6/11 3:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

[[next part]]

People ask me how I speak so many languages, how much I am intelligent etc. I wish I could tell them that this is the only thing that makes me forget about my loneliness in life. Because it's either this hobby, or starting on drugs...

That's it - lonliness. Some days, I'm so much depressive that people can feel it from yards away. Mom tells me: "You never talk about your life, your friends etc. Why don't you call your friends home? Call your girl friend home, if you're shy of us, your dad and I can go out for the night, don't worry about it!"

90% of the people in my life expect me to be "straight" and, not only that, but also "SHOW" that I've got an active straight sexual life.
I usually hug my mom every now and then. Because I need to hold on to 'someone'; although I know that she and I are on very different realms ... And my dad says: "Why do you hug her so much, find yourself a girlfriend!"

I'm veery lonely. So much that I'm thinking of buying me a dog. I even bought myself "how to train dogs", "Dog training for dummies" etc.

I told my dad, that when I'll move to my own house, I'll have 2-3 dogs.

Guess what he said then: « Pfff ... dogs? Why don't you say: "I'll live with my wife" or something, but this? »

My family will not accept me. Coming up to them will do more harm to me, than good.


This is my first coming out -- and it's online.

I've been online on language websites for a long time, being a moderator or an admin in quite a lot of them. I've noticed that most of the men who speak a lot of langauges are gay. Maybe gays are better at linguistics? ;P

Anyways, I'm wandering off-topic.

In those sites, I've met quite a lot of men, who were learning my language (and I was theirs). They later on confessed that they are gay. They knew the situation of my country; thus they would add: "If you don't want to be my friend anymore, I'll understand you."

And I told them: "Oh no, I've got nothing against gays. Don't worry about it =]".

But I've never told them: "Really? I'm gay too!"

Now, I'm telling myself that I'm an idiot. I really am. I can't even come out to someone who's confessed me 5 seconds ago! How pathetic is that?

My country has blocked many gay-oriented web-sites. So, it's impossible to find gay-friends through those channels. I'm lonelier now.

Life is hard when you're gay. It's harder when you're gay AND living in some specific parts of the world.

Bless you all, if you've read this far. I just had to talk. That helpmed me. Thanks again!

At 22/6/11 3:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been attracted to men since i was 5 years old. I do not know why i started to develop feeling about men.As i grew up, i started to notice girls but my feeling still yawning for men. I started to fall in love with bad boys but i just kept it to myself. I will gave them money,so that i could see their smiling faces. After that, we got seperate becoz they have girlfriend. I started to avoid people. I really hate being GAY. I wish i was not romantically in involve with men. Whywhywhy. I hate myself so much. I cant stop falling for them. I am just afraid of the society surrounding me. I never want to have sex with men but i want their affectionate and compassion. I want to hold his hand,feel safe around him,and hug by him. I was in love with a married man. He is Tall, Dark,Charming and romantic. I never have the guts to approach him because he is a married man. I cannot in love with a men because i come from a homophobic society. Everybody is straight in my family. My parent really hates gay people. My mother said that she rather die seeing me with another man. I never told people about it till my sister found out about my orientation. I wish that i could stop this feeling. Most people will think that i am arrogant but i am hiding my sexuality. I cannot fall in love with men. My recently crush was a tuxedo masked man in a ball i have attended. I know that i have met my prince charming but i just run away from him because he has girlfriend. I wish that people could understand my truth self. May god forgive my sin.

At 4/9/11 10:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice story. I haven´t come out to my parents yet, but I think they already know one way or another. I´d love to say that I´m happyly living with such thing, but I´m not.

Not only have we got to deal with everyday people´s prejudice but also the fact that we´re not having children of our own unless you go for the artificial laboratory approach. We can always find our way around the adoption thing but sooner or later your child might have to face bullying at school.

I´m still strugling with that issue myself since I was bullied my entire life. Don´t really know how I´d deal with it when it comes to my son.

It´s been 8 years since my first gay sex and I still feel ashamed of my gay sex drive. It´s embarassing seeing that the hot guy on the streets, the one you shouldn´t be looking at will always ignore you or be mad at you if you repeatedly continue to aim your eyes at him.

I mean, there´s not a secure environment for gays throughout this straight normative society. We do have gay friendly places such as bars and hotels, but it´s like we will always need to double check where we´re going so as not to be bothered or assaulted by the homophobes.

Deep inside I still have high hopes I will fall in love with a savior girl. She would take me out of this alleged darkness like Prince Charming always does to all princesses on Disney´s tales.

On the other hand I know I will always be atracted to another male´s body. I can´t help it, it´s just the way it is. It´s not easy though.

At 5/10/11 6:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm 15 yrs old now, I was teased since 3rd grade that I was gay cause I was so feminine.BUT I KNOW IM NOT GAY. skip skip then on my 1st yr I was teased till now I've been discriminated, abused and all the horrible discriminating things you could ever think of i lost most of my friends cause of my personality but now you know I'm struggling to stay straight cause I wanna get married and have kids and be with my family and all that, but feeling gay is ruining everything it ruined my dreams, I act as straight as possible in front of new people just to show them that I ain't like this. And I remember years ago ti'l now I pray every single night that when I wake up in the morning I would be manly, straight, the guy I always wanted to be. but it seems that life is really unfair I always question myself that why in the 6 billion people on this planet I was the one chosen to be like this why me? YOU KNOW IT JUST HURTS, I HATE THE FEELING, AND I WANNA FEEL LOVED, I WANT A GIRL BUT THIS FEELING IS RUINING EVERYTHING IT RUINED MY LIFE, I thought of ending it along time ago but no I wont give up on God, my family and most especially myself, God made me this way and I should be proud of it but there's always this fear of rejection, discrimination and all. But I'm doing my best to be a man even if it is not showing my true self. But the problem is i'm attracted to men, I like this guy so bad it just hurts you know. =(((((((

At 10/10/11 10:36 AM, Blogger Brady said...

To the last anonymous- I'm so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I haven't been keeping up with this blog over the last few years, but I saw your comment and wanted to respond.

I know life can be tough at times, but all I can say is to hang in there and try to stay as positive as possible. It can be hard sometimes, but it really does work. My life's motto is "life's easy if you let it be." Concentrate on the positive stuff, even if at times you can only find little things that are positive...they help.

As for wanting a wife and kids--that was my biggest issue when I was younger too. I felt like if I didn't achieve that, I wouldn't reach my dreams and goals in life. But now I am married to a wonderful husband, and I love my life. It's not exactly what I was praying for back then, but I know I'm happier with my life than I would have been otherwise.

Hang in there, and talk to people that can support you and will be there for you.

At 25/12/11 2:10 AM, Anonymous Taylor said...

Hey. I am finally admitting that I am gay. I have not come out to anyone yet for the fear of god is upon me. You see I am an epistolic catholic living in Tucson Arizona. Nobody is gay here. I am 16 and not one person understands me. I have always been an outsider but now I only have one true friend. My parents would literally disown me if they found out I was gay and I would be shunned by all of my family for the rest if my life. I know I am not the only one in this kind of situation but it feels as I am. There have been rumors about my sexuality but I have disproved most by randomly kissing a girl when confronted and having a fake girlfriend. She broke up with me because I cared too much about my physical appearance and because I want to be a youth pastor instead of a real job. Please help me.

At 27/12/11 7:27 PM, Blogger Steve said...

Welcome, Taylor.

Indeed it is a scary and isolating world, but you took an important step here.
Look for youth groups in your area that welcome queer people, then swallow your fears and get out there. My first time, I had to get my roommates to kick my ass out the door, but it was so worth it. Indeed I hope that you discover that everyone is queer in one way or another, it’s just that many people never realize, admit, acknowledge, embrace, or explore it.

Underneath all the layers of crap and baggage that we build up around ourselves as a result of our experiences, there’s a perfect being inside. Remember that. And feel free to share your thoughts with the rest of us…there’s a lot of people following this thread ☺

At 9/1/12 5:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you realise how narrow minded you are?? Being Gay is NOT a choice. Do you seriously think that gay people choose to disappoint their families, beat themselves up for years on end trying to be something that their not. Being gay is a feeling that you experience from early childhood. You dont realise at the time, you know you are different to all of your friends but dont know why and this can have a massive effect on you whilst your growing up. Its only when you hit your teens that things start to click and you become aware of your sexuality. You then block it even further until you build up the courage to be honest to yourself. I am a big believer that genetics are to blame for sexuality and as someone else pointed out homosexuality is not just confined to the human race, it can be found in ALL mammals. I just want all those people who are struggling to come to terms with their sexuality that you are completely normal and you are certainly not alone. Be honest to yourself and the people you love. If people cant accept you as you are then they do not deserve you in their life.

At 2/3/12 10:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Brady, I'm so glad i stumbled upon your article. Ever since I was little I knew I was different, I never had a lot of guy friends. I'd always be with the girls playing house or something. It's just what I liked to do and I didn't know it was socially unacceptable for boys of my age at the time. My parents always enabled me to be myself growing up so that's why I didn't find anything wrong with it. I was teased a lot because of it until middle school. Many people would assume I was gay naturally and make fun of me for my past childhood tendencies. As I grew older I remember looking at a pictures of naked guys and it just seemed so much more natural to me. Or else i wouldn't have felt comfortable looking at it. And from that moment on I knew I was different. That happened when I was about 10 or 11. Now I'm 18 and i've come to the realization of my life and that I am in fact gay. I tried very hard not to think about it, just the thought of it made me miserable. I've grown up catholic my whole life so it was very conflicting against my lifestyle. I was always second guessing myself. But like you said, I was sick of suppressing my true sexuality. I haven't come out yet but I know I will eventually and I already feel a little bit at ease. Being gay is not a choice or a vocation you decide to make later on in life, at least for me it wasn't. Who would want the ridicule and negative attention it brings? I sure wouldn't but it's better than living constantly unsettled. And I don't think being gay is necessarily a bad thing either. Many gay men are very attractive. I like who I am and I know I care about my health, appearance, and overall well-being more then any hetrosexual man.

At 3/4/12 4:56 AM, Blogger Brenden B. said...

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At 3/4/12 5:00 AM, Blogger Brenden B. said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 3/4/12 11:46 AM, Blogger Brenden B. said...

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At 3/4/12 12:39 PM, Blogger Brenden B. said...

I must begin by apologizing because this is going to be a fairly lengthy comment and for anyone who stops reading for this reason, I completely understand. There are times that I regret ever having come out to others; times that I feel honesty is overrated and I would be happier if I hadn't.

If someone is still out there, please help me. My life has spiraled out of control and I don't know what to do anymore. Beginning of this academic year in the fall of my Sophomore year in college, I was really shy and bashful. I did not yet realize I was gay as I was too consumed by trying to please others hoping that it would help me to be happy and I myself had not taken the time for soul searching. I have always been the type to lend a helping hand when one is needed. So, one friend was a commuter of a thirty minute drive and he needed to be on campus by four in the morning every day. So I offered my futon since I lived in a single and what better use.

Anyway, as time progressed, he began to help me to help myself by telling me to just open up to people, not to be shy, and find what makes me happy instead of focusing on pleasing others. So I began the soul searching that would become the beginning of my sorrows.

I soon found that I was gay and my roommate helped me to understand this for myself. It was difficult for me at first. I tried to deny it all, but found my efforts futile…especially considering I am so attracted to my roommate. I soon realized that hiding this truth would violate my personal morals. I have always sought genuine and honest relationships with all my closest friends and I realized that I cannot build these friendships if I lie about who I actually am. After extensive conversations with my futon-residing-roommate, I eventually revealed to him that I am gay. He proceeded to help me to be comfortable enough to tell the others who also accepted it well. In time however, I found that things changed and I was left feeling more lonely.

While they each understand that I am gay, they fail to recognize that I am still me, I am only now of gay sexual preference. They don't understand that what they do greatly hurts me. Now they make jokes and actions directed at gays, but, I cannot make these jokes with them anymore because I am gay which creates a rift between me and them. My roommate is especially notorious for making gay jokes with others whilst in my presence. While some are laughable, they all often go too far and make me feel excluded and banished for being gay; for being myself. The jokes are not harmful in a physical sense toward me but, they certainly can be emotionally. They don't understand that even though I have opened up and told them I am gay, I must now refrain from joking with them and can't truly be myself in their presence. In my experience, I have only been more guarded of how I must behave because I have told some I am gay. I am the only homosexual person within a group of straight guys...which makes my rooming situation difficult...and I am unable to seek advice or understanding from any of them.

I would like to tell other people, however, I seem to have had a terrible record when it comes to this. Can I salvage any of these friendships? If not, I am afraid I must cut all ties to the thirty other men in the group. I honestly hurt so bad, there are times I want to disappear, times I want to leave for good and not return. Worst of all, these guys have become my closest friends (pre-gay), and it would hurt me so much more to cut all ties to each of them. I am at a loss because I can't go back to being alone and yet, sometimes cutting ties seems to be the only option available.

Please help! I am suffering from being isolated, despite how many people know the truth, and there is no one else I can turn to who has had similar experiences. This is all still new to me so I don't know what to do or how to do it. I could use all the guidance and advice any of you can give. If anyone can help, please contact me at brenden.barton2014@gmail.com!

At 19/4/12 6:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting story you got there.

At 28/5/12 2:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't really have a answer but i do have a sort of the same situation.

At 28/5/12 4:25 PM, Blogger jared aldrich said...

i havent said anything to anyone yet about my sexual orientation,its always been a secret. its weird but this one time,when i was in high school during my senior year me and some of my friends went on a camping trip in the woods to go get drunk and party.later on, everyone was drunk and passing out in the tent and when i went to go to sleep, one of my friends said "i know that this sounds gay but is it alright if i could put my arm around you cause its freezing."(before he was drunk and fell in the creek beside the campsite)i said,"whatever" and he did.it was awkward,but felt right to me as much as i hate to admit it. but a month later he got married to a good women and they've been together now for a year (on and off) but we still kept in touch he came to live with me for about a month then moved out but still came by sometimes to talk and chill,when he came over he would talk about what girls he screwed or about random shit.never went any further then that, but he never question me about why i wasnt in a relationship, i think he kind of knew i was a little 'you know',but still excepted it.it made me attracted to him more but i never was forward.now,everythings still the same,hes still a friend and i wish him the best.but there always that thought of what if? did feel slightly the same way that i did about him? damn don't it sucwhen you don't have answers.

At 1/10/12 12:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guys, I would like to Ivite you all to Islam, some of have rightly refused livivng a gay life, and you wont regret it. Its hard and Its a struggle but God will reward you with a great. Something so good no heart has Imagined it, no eye has seen it and no ear has herd it.

At 30/3/13 1:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dont worry
even I feel the same

At 25/8/13 12:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Brady. It's Jason from way back in 2009! Hope you are well. I had been thinking this past week about finding this blog and updating so glad that I did!
Anyway I wanted to say that you were totally right. Its crazy to think how far I have come since then. I was not in a good place. But well in short, everoyne in my family knows and all of my friends. And the weirdest thing is that the boys in the family, brothers/cousins etc. V sporty lot have been the biggest support. My parents were so cool when they found out. Lot of tears from my Mum. But the thing is. As the days/weeks go on. Everyone realises you are still the same!
So noe everyone knows about me and life is good. Something I never thought would be possible. I tend to get mistaken still for being straight, but my straight friends love to correct people on my behalf haha.
Anyway. To anyone reading this - I promise you, no matter how you feel right now, and regardless of you sitting there thinking. Nope not me. (like I did). it really will.
Brady and Mikey thanks again for taking the time to write.
Take it easy everyone.

At 27/8/13 8:56 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Guys- I haven't made a new entry on this blog in quite a while, obviously, but I want tell you all that I feel so privileged that you have found this post and commented on it with your struggles (and successes). That's why I started this blog in the first place.

So much has changed since I started this blog, and nearly all of it for the better in terms of gay acceptance. That's not to say that it's easy for everyone, and I'm glad this thread has been a resource and support group for some people over the years.

Jason- thanks for the update, and congratulations. I am so happy for you!

At 27/8/13 9:07 AM, Blogger Brady said...

I just re-read the post and realized I talked about how my dad reacted when I came out, and I wanted to provide my own update.

Sadly, my dad passed away this Spring. Thankfully, we had a few weeks with him before he died, and we all had the opportunity to spend time together and say whatever we wanted to.

One night in my dad's last few days, he told my brother that one of his biggest regrets in life was the way he reacted when I came out, and he wanted me to know how sorry he was and how much he loved me (as a side note, I'm an identical twin and in his final days, my dad got confused easily. He thought my brother was me because we had switched places while he was sleeping).

The next day my husband came to say goodbye, and my dad asked him what his final words were for him. It was just the three of us, and all of our words were choked with tears, but my husband managed to tell my dad that he had been a blessing and a second father to him. My dad's response was simply, "you're a blessing." Then he asked me to find my brother so he could take a picture of us. My dad could not sit up at this point, but he asked us to prop him up, and my dad managed to pull out one last smile, with my husband and me on each side of him.

He came such a long way. The funny thing is, he'd made his acceptance known through his actions for a while, but hearing him say that was one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced.

At 28/8/13 6:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Brady
Thanks for your update also. Sorry to hear the news on your Dad. Hope you and the rest of your family are okay. The one thing that is nice to take from it is that you and your husband have that moment to remember him by. I am sure he was v proud of you. Especially if he had known that you were able to help complete strangers such as myself. Things are changing for the better and anyone else reading this please believe that it does. I never did so I am pleased to see that I have been proved wrong haha.
Wishing you all the best for the future Brady
Take it easy
Jason. (Now in London after being in Australia coming to terms with coming out. I didn’t realise that I didn’t have to fly half way round the world to come out haha – but had a good time nonetheless)

At 15/9/13 3:20 PM, Anonymous Hunter said...

Hey my name is Hunter and I have read some of your posts/ comments on here and I feel that I am in the current situation where u used to be. I am at the moment starting to accept being gay, however the thing thats majorly holding me back is my faith in God. I follow the bible word for word and im not even going to mention the Old testament, but what would you have to say about the New testament in Romans and 1 Corinthians? Im not sure if your faith is the same as mine but these passages are what is holding me back the most. I dont want to lose m faith, but i dont want to deny who I am

At 28/9/13 8:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Hunter
I just read your message. I'm Jason who posted on here back in 2009 and again a month or so ago.
I do genuinely understand how you are feeling. If you see the tone of some of my earlier messages you can see that I was not in a good place. If I tried to tell myself then what I am going to tell you now, I would have said thanks etc etc...but its different for me. My family are irish, thought being gay was not normal etc. But. honestly. It does get better. I have been lucky. All of my family even my big brothers who were footballers etc are so supportive. the eldest one was the biggest shock for me. my family are catholic but although i believe and still pray i am not practicsing (obviously lol). being the eldest he still goes to church and loves to think he is the moral compass. when he found out he burst into tears. but then came and found me and hugged me. then said my sister had no right to tell me to keep it to myself. anyway i am rambling a bit. the point i want to make is that people will surprise you. not everyone is perfect hunter even the ones who go to church every sunday.
you will come to realise that once you are happy you dont need to know what others inclusing your family think of you. this is your life and your journey and its going to be such a waste if you dont follow what the path is that has been laid out for you. at some point you will follow it. but dont do what i did and delay the inevitable. i dont regret my 20s i still have all the same friends. but i was not mentally strong enough to deal with it.
as for the religion aspect you sound like you knoe it inside out. what i have learnt in both school and life so far, is that people who teach it take what tehy want from it. there are only a few references to what we assume they are talking about homeosexuality. but this book was written 2000 years ago my friend and has been rewritten many many times. how can we all be so sure that the transalation from hebrew has been done correctly?! have you ever tried an online translator on the internet? lol!
also its good that you still have yout faith. keep it and make it work for you. the thing that makes me laugh is that there is more reference in the bible to adultery and sex outside marriage than there is to being gay (but as i said - we are perceiving thats what it means!) but yet this is conveniently not made a big thing of. teachers, priests and scholars have loved being able to rule over people for centuries. the ones who come out on top are the ones that question this. some stuff is right, some is wrong. some we will never know! but at least we are being true to ourselves!
stay strong my friend and get yourself out there and your nose out of the book. you know it inside out by the sounds of it and not reading it every day is no bad thing. hope this goes some way to helping ya. your not alone ok.
x Jason

At 28/9/13 8:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh and just wanted to say hello to the muslim guy who wrote on here about 2 years ago! i hadnt read your post till today.
the same applies to you my friend. its hard and i know it must be tem times worse for you. but whatever country be it middle america, ireland or muslim countries there is good and bad in all places. we just gotta work out that god wants a different path for us and thats ok. love is love end of. some gay people are the most kindest caring in the world. (im not saying all, there are some who are dickheads lol). but what i am saying is that god knows we are here, and here for a reason. be yourself and be happy. we are a long time dead and then its too late lol!

At 9/1/14 3:24 PM, Anonymous Sophia said...

Hello to the viewers on this site my name is Sophia i was married to Mr Morgan we live and love each other so much am 52 years of age now and we both have 3 grown up children i and my husband love and care for each other our marriage last for 31 years so few years back my husband traveled to Europe for business he spent about 6 months there coming home he came with a young lady which i was not comfortable with i tried all my best and at the end my husband was able to send this lady out of the house and she return to Europe we love our selves again just as before,but after few years we have been together again an old friend of main who traveled to another country Later came back to America he has been a good friend to me and my first lover during our high school days he invite me for denier but i refuse he begged me because it has been long we have meet each other we only chart on Facebook and Skype so i granted his invitation this happened on Christmas night December 24 2013 i went out with him hopefully i will come home that same day i know i was very wrong so getting there i spend lot of time with him and i spend the night with him in a hotel room it was all an incident and i was very assumed of my self when i discovered what i did,but the most painful part of it was my husband friend saw me with this man which i did not even know he went and tell my husband all that happened,when i got home the next day my husband sent me picking my stuff he said is over that he needs a divorce i was heart broken i don't know what to do i love my husband so much and for the sake of my children i can't let go just like that,i share my problem with my friend we work in the same company she introduce me to a powerful spell caster who also help her in her own time of need his name is DOCTOR OTUOBALLA he help me cast a spell and my husband later came back to me begging me to come back home that was how the great powerful spell caster helped me in fixing back my marriage and getting the man i love back to me am very grateful to him my husband return back to me after seven days the incident occurred,are you passing through problem in your marriage or relationship? the answer is here DOCTOR OTUOBALLA is here to help you too just as he have helped me contact him now with this email: otuoballaspelltemple@live.com

At 16/1/14 1:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am into my leave my man alone when i contacted ekaka for a spell love that will help me win my husband back and have a love spell casting with DR.Ekaka. email: ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com and today my husband emailed me and also called me yesterday asking for my forgiveness. this is on the 5th day of the 1st spell and he is already contacting me. wow, i was starting to think i was beating a dead horse since i have heard from him in 4month. thank you so much DR.Ekaka, i can not wait to see him fully in love with me again. thank you for helping me. i am going to recommend your service to my friends. thank you again and thank you papa DR.Ekaka

At 19/1/14 11:45 AM, Blogger gumbala said...

Hi My name is Bruno Rico' just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage... I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time... it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce... I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn't want to loose her but everything just didn't work out... she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce... I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out... I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice... He did special prayers and used roots and herbs... Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news... Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it... You can email him via eromosalelovespell@outlook.com Don't give up just yet, the different between 'Ordinary' & 'Extra-Ordinary' is the 'Extra' so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it's truly worth it. you can also call (Dr Akhidenor) on +2347034673139.

At 20/1/14 10:10 PM, Blogger Peter Thomos said...

I like the above thought and I am glad to be the part of it.Thanks for sharing it!!
Meet Gays in London

At 1/2/14 5:59 AM, Blogger Becky said...

My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted Dr. OKORO LOVE SPELL and after I explained my problem, In just 3 days my husband came back to us and show me and my kids much love and apologize for all the pain he have bring to the family. We solved our issues, and we are even happier more than ever before Dr. OKORO you are the best spell caster. I really appreciate the love spell you cast for me to get the man back to my life i will keep sharing more testimonies to people about your good work. Thank you once again Dr. OKORO. You can also contact Dr. OKORO via email address: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com in case you are in any problem you can contact this man for help he is always there in his temple to help you solve your problem Contact Email is: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com CONTACT HIM TODAY VIA THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com AS HIS POWERS ARE SO STRONG AND VERY EFFECTIVE AND HAS NO BAD EFFECT INSTEAD IT HAVE A VERY GOOD RESULT AFTER CASTING THE SPELL.

Contact Dr. OKORO Via email: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com

At 11/4/14 11:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to extend my testimony to people out there looking for help, if you need a spell caster to help you bring back your lover contact dr.marnish@yahoo.com or call him at +15036626930, he based united state, i ordered with this caster a love spell and he gave me the most astonishing and wonderful result that i have never seen, he has made me known that there is a helping hand out there whenever I feel the need for it.
Perry James

At 27/4/14 1:01 PM, Blogger kapish chandra said...

That's quite a heart warming life story and glad that circumstances made you strong, I guess not just gays but all of us can take strength from such courage. It is best to adapt to who we are rather than worrying about what the world thinks. To come out of the closet and to start living life it is best for gays to go to gay dating and chat sites where they can discuss what goes on in their day to day life and learn to adapt to the environment using the experiences of males they meet there.

At 13/7/14 11:26 PM, Blogger Gina Sneed said...

My name is Gina Sneed from Canada the husband i used to love with all my heart divorced me i feel like crying to tell anyone this. i tried everything but nothing came alright, luckily enough i was browsing on internet and i saw testimony of clients who talked about prof, i thought may be its also one of the scamming spell caster,but my heart insisted on it until i contacted him via email maduraitemple@yahoo.com i used his spell and it worked so nice, his spell stopped my husband from divorcing me Dr madurai has not only made my man to stop the divorce but also his spell made Sneed to love me the more:if you need help, call him at +2348132642680 his email maduraitemple@yahoo.com

At 1/8/14 11:48 AM, Blogger LYEV MAHRK said...

Being attracted to the same sex in countries like USA,UK Canada is really easily as i have heard.There are still people there who don't like people like us but it not as bad as that of Russia cos here we are beaten jailed and sometimes even killed.You can't hold the hand of the one you care about in the public so as to avoid been harassed we can even set a place to me cos if we are caught we face jail time.Here in Russia we gay are prisoner in our own country.I am currently in a relation with my fiance and we had to leave Russia to be together.Before now his parent were against our relationship cos they had no idea he was gay we sneaked around knowing the risks if we were to be caught.When he finally got heart to tell him family the rejected him and asked he stops seeing me or they were going to turn him in and that scared him a lot his father is a very powerful man in Russia and he made it possible for him not to be able to live the country i mean as long as you have money in Russia anything goes.I was lucky they never got to meet me cos if they did i would have not been here right now writing this article that you are all reading.Probably i would have been in jail.Months passed and there was no way we could see each other cos they had him watched to make sure he is never get to meet me and also to know the person the was he was practicing this profane act with as they called it.They stripped him of all his right to the family assets and made him an outcast i could see he was suffering form the text he was sending me they made his life miserable and made him end our relationship.I knew he was confused and did know what to do to get his life back to make his family see him the way they use to.And i knew that his family were never going to accept his life style cos they are so anti gay.If they were to be a fund riser to fight gay practice in Russia his family will be the first to ask that they host it.I love him so much but he was scared of him family and they also had a grip on him.I know most person don't believe in what about to say but still if it wasn't for Mutton Osun a spell caster that i found on the internet i would not have been writing this.It happened maybe by a slim chance or fate that i was a blog were it happened that i read three distinct comment about how he help them with similar problem.I contacted him with an email address that was in the comment.I asked Mutton Osun to cast a spell to make my then boyfriend to make up his mind to run away from Russia with me to be together and also his family as in his father to make it possible for him to leave Russia with me and set a very comfortable life for us were we were going.And i know doing spells with someone you can't even see is outrageous but i promise you he makes you feel more at else when he calls and he really goes through with his promise cos he did with mine he was really helpful to him and kind.And like other people said he doesn't even charge you for what he is doing for you.I had to provide some list of materials that he asked that i get for my spell casting.I preferred that i sent the money down to him cos they were not easy to find and even when i found them it was so expensive but he could get them cheaply.He instructed me on how to make the spell work with great effect.It took 7 seven day and night to see it result.On the seventh night my boyfriend call me to tell me we could finally be together cos his father did agreed to do all i asked mutton osun to make him do i just knew at once it was Mutton Osun spell cos it what i asked for and now me and fiance are the happiest right now we can hold hand now without fear of being harassed or sent to jail for we are in love and we are very comfortable here.His father made sure everything was set before we even got here just like i asked it should be.Am going to also leave Mutton Osun email here just like others have done for contact purpose godsofosunx@rocketmail.com

At 25/11/14 9:49 PM, Blogger Stacey Bruno said...

How i got my husband back.Am Stacey Bruno by name I never believed in love spells or magic until I met this spell caster once when i went to see my friend in Indian this year on a business summit. I meant a man who's name is Dr ATILA he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one's gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I'm now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 5 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn't believe it cos the Dr ATILA only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is: atilahealinghome@yahoo.com

At 21/10/15 2:43 AM, Blogger Sheikh said...

Hi.. I used to feel like this too.. not having come out at those right moments.. I'd say its just regretting.. I've struggled a lot to the point of losing my mind.. I always think i wish i could turn back time and just admitted it.. Now I dont know what to do.. My family has sent me to rehab and all that.. I dont know how to make things right..

When i knew i was gay, i had a girlfriend who i really loved at that time.. And then there were a lot of those moments that i should've told her but i didnt.. It even came to the point that I was already treating her very very badly.. I dont know, i guess my mind just kinda warped and for some reason I kinda blamed her, wanting to keep her hostage.. I know it was wrong, but at that time, I just couldn't stop fighting "it".. I really hated what I did.. And so not having come out, all these unreasonable fears crept in.. I would start to think "what would my friends think?".. And so I wrongfully fought my being gay.. Its been six years now.. I think I'm taking it too far.. I've lost every respect for myself for not having come out during those "right moments".. And it just keeps getting worse.. I've told a number of people about my sexuality but somehow, I just dont feel free.. Nothing feels right anymore.. I dunno.. All those years of denial may have gotten its toll..

And the worst part is, I've entertained a woman again although i told her about my sexuality at the onset, she said it was fine.. At first it went well but I knew it wasn't going anywhere.. So i told her this cant go on.. And I really feel bad about it.. I mean, why did I entertain her in the first place right? And now, Im acting like nothing happened.. I really feel so vile.. This is just wrong..

To cut the story short, before all these happened, I wasnt that despicable of a person, though I'm not saying I was perfect.. Do you know of anybody who've been through what Im going through?


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