I Used to Hate Being GayI used to hate being gay.
I really did. I mean really hate. Just like this guy hates being gay.
Every night when I said my prayers before going to bed, one prayer that I was always sure to say was to ask God to make me stop being attracted to other guys. I'm talking about thousands of prayers just about that one issue. Trust me, I hated it.
It just wasn't a religion thing for me, although that was certainly part of it. It was also a life goal thing and an acceptance thing. I always dreamed about having a wife and kids, being the perfect kid, all of that stuff. And up to that point all of the gay people I had ever seen were the ones I saw in the media. Not really the greatest role models, to say the least. Being gay was going to get in the way of all of my dreams, and I hated it.
So, I kept praying and stressing--constantly, but nothing really changed.
My life was never really that terrible during those years, but it certainly isn't what it is today. I used to get angry easily, and I was always paranoid that someone would find out. Even as I started to acknowledge that I was gay and that it probably wasn't going to change, I fought hard to make it stop. I'm sure I hurt some people along the way, and even today I can't help but think of what I might have missed out on while I was trying so hard to be someone I wasn't.
So, slowly, then almost all at once, I went from hating being gay to dealing with it and then embracing it. When I was starting to come out a friend told me he was happy he was gay and that he'd choose to be gay if he had it all to do again. At the time I was floored. Today I don't think I'd go that far, but I don't hate being gay anymore--it's part of who I am, and even if it has its obstacles, I'm probably a better person for it.
I look back now and can't really imagine what my life would have been like had I never come out. I wouldn't have my boyfriend in my life, that's for sure. Come to think of it, I wouldn't have had anyone in my life romantically. Funny that when my dad was so upset about my being gay he never realized he was asking me to be alone. I think now he realizes what it all means. He still doesn't understand, but he's slowly figuring it all out.
I used to go through what this guy was going through--he hates being gay, just like I did. And I used to deal with the questions Jay is still struggling with. I don't anymore, and I'm glad. For all of the heartache and pain coming out and accepting being gay was, I realize that I'm infinitely happier, more confident, and more successful than I ever was before. Being gay wasn't something I chose, but choosing to come out and not continue to live the unfulfilled life I was dealing with then was the best decision I've ever made.
Now I just have to convince the rest of the world that.