Friday, May 05, 2006

I'm Coming Out (again) and Some Other Stuff

I mentioned in another post that I still have some coming out to do with some of my extended family for my Big Fat Gay Wedding. So, I emailed one of my cousins last week to see if she wanted to have lunch/dinner soon. The purpose of this lunch (in addition to just catching up) is for me to tell her I'm gay. Now that she has written back and is ready to have lunch, I'm freaking out--all jittery and nervous. I'm actually shaking right now. I thought I was over all of this stupidness (well really I didn't, but I thought I was handling it better than this). This coming out thing really never ends. I hate it.

On a related note, a friend of mine told me the other night that he would rather be hideously ugly and straight than cute and gay (he's a pretty good looking guy, and he's just starting to deal with being gay). I tried to console him and relate how much better my life is now than I thought it could be when I was first dealing with being gay. (It really is. My life is going better than I imagined it would this early on, and while my being gay doesn't have anything to do with that, my coming out has helped me personally and emotionally for sure).

But, judging from my reaction to my cousin, who am I to talk? I still have trouble dealing with coming out to my family, and sometimes even perfect strangers. Not all of us have an easy time being gay, that is for sure. Then again, my mom told me how proud of me she was yesterday for standing up what I believe in and being honest with myself, so it's not all bad.

On a separate issue--I added some links to my sidebar. I plan on sorting them and categorizing them soon too. If you aren't linked and want to be, send me a comment or an email.


At 5/5/06 3:39 PM, Anonymous Steve Boese said...

Hey Brady...

Yeah, sometimes it just takes more time to get to the kinds of places we want to be than we wanted or hoped. In the meantime, avoid the temptation to beat up on yourself about it. No matter what, the chances are good that you'll be in even better places 2, 5, and 10 years down the road. (At least that's my experience, approaching 13 years after starting my coming-out journey.)

Your friend sounds anguished. Tough stuff, I remember so well feeling stuck in uncomfortable places and wishing things could be different.

A very good friend of mine liked to say that there are only two forces in the world - Love and Fear. It took me a while to get my arms around that idea, but it resonates with me now because there are so many ways in which makes sense. Look at the energy generated by a group of people, by a crisis, by a campaign, or by a single person to convince another person of something. When you drill down to its core, is it founded on a desire to open human arms and eyes, to welcome someone, or develop a fresh idea, or bring thoughtfulness or compassion? Or is there a sharp edge of judgement, an aura that no one is to be trusted except the speaker, an attempt to shut down discussion, or a determination to cast judgement and blame?

It's not a gay-vs-straight, gay-vs-antigay, or christian-vs-nonchristian thing. Sometimes gay people and gay leaders get into judgmental baloney, too.

I've got to expand on this topic... check back at my blog tomorrow if you want to. In the meantime, just be gentle with yourself, ok?

At 7/5/06 9:45 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Hey Steve, thanks for the comments. I'll be sure to check your blog for more. you bring up some very good points.

At 8/5/06 2:02 PM, Blogger grace said...

Hey Brady! I missed this post last week...Friday was a sort of "emotional rollercoaster" day for me so I guess that's why. Anyway....send them my way (your unaccepting family members). I've acutally had another reader of my blog do that and it's helped. I'll be happy to help in any way I can so that you can enjoy not only your wedding day but continue to live your life minus some of that emotional turmoil that doesn't need to exist.

At 8/5/06 2:06 PM, Blogger grace said...

Just noticed your link to me...thanks! I know you don't expect me to return the favor at this point...but when I learn to do a better job at working on my blog template (one of my summer goals) and I can categorize...then I'll link you. :)

At 8/5/06 2:29 PM, Blogger Brady said...

Hey Grace,

As usual, you are awesome. Be careful, you may just get what you ask for ;-) I'll keep yall updated as to how the cousin thing goes. I still have my fingers crossed.

As for the blog link. You're very welcome. Yes, I definitely don't expect reciprocation, and I also need to categorize my links out, but I figured I do read your blog often, and your POV is definitely worth sharing!

At 13/5/06 11:25 AM, Blogger grantdale said...

Hi Brady, we've just popped over

You are exactly right on one score -- the coming out NEVER ends.

But it's now uncommon for people to ask directly. And less common for us to be direct. Normally, both of us get dropped into each other's conversation with barely a thought. It would be a seriously stupid person who could't put one and one together :)

But it would still be, urgh, once or twice a month that we have to use the "g" word. For slow people. Normally they ask us directly, and (of course) we have no qualms about saying yes we are.

Other than that, I struggle to remember the last time we had to say "I am gay". It's not really a statement that comes up in everyday conversation. "Dale" or "Grant' or "my partner" etc come up all the time -- but almost never "gay".

But it WAS a big deal once...

And not an easy time :)

But there also comes a time when you don't even notice.

(PS one of us does recall a priceless moment when a person declared, loudly, at a work function, "Oh, you are gay then?" in a group of people. Everyone looked back as if that was the most obvious and stupid thing to say. Let me see... male + male partner... yes that would be gay, Gay, GAY, GAAAAAAY you twit!!!)

At 15/5/06 8:24 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Hey Grantdale,

You know, you make a good point. I can already see that it is getting easier for me. At this point, the problem for me is that my dad's side of the family (the extended side) still doesn't know. Once I get them over with it'll help tons. But, for now it's causing me a fair amount of grief. Sigh...


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