Gay Monogamy, Does it Exist?Anti-gay and ex-gay folks often talk about the "dangers" of promiscuity among gays, and it's rare to hear people in these groups speak publicly about homosexuality unless they are detailing how often gay men get around.
The reaction recently from many gays has been that these types of statements are blind stereotypes that don't take into account the myriad committed gay couples that exist across the country. The anti-gay folks out there have been directing the debate for far too long, and I'm glad to see people come out and say that committed relationships certainly exist.
Unfortunately, though, it appears that some on the ex-gay and anti-gay side don't believe that long-term, committed relationships exist at all, in spite of what the gay people actually in those relationships claim.
Mike Ensley, of Exodus, said as much in a post on his blog a few months ago. I'm disappointed, especially since I've found many of Mike's other blog posts to be open and honest about his struggle to overcome sexuality. In the post, Mike talks about his own promiscuity from the age of 16-21 and how many older couples he went home with and extrapolates this to lead him to disbelieve any and every gay couple that claims to be monogamous.
He doesn't, though, seem to make the connection that because he was picking up guys for sex in bars, he was getting what he was looking for (and so were they), and that possibly committed couples don't go out to bars searching for hook-ups. Instead, he makes the unfortunate proclamation that, "in five years of living homosexually I never had a monogamous, long-term relationship, but that in 5 years I never met a single person who did." This sounds all too similar to the Melissa Fryrear statement where she claimed to never have met a lesbian that was not sexualy violated or molested.
It's talking in absolutes like this that causes my huge frustration with so many ex-gay and anti-gay folks out there. How can anyone claim that an entire group of people (millions) has never had a committed relationship? Surely Mike can admit that at least one gay couple out there is monogamous. Surely he should realize that his own experience of meeting other guys in bars is not what gay every gay person goes through and that going to bars (even straight ones) is not the best way to find any committed couples.
It's interesting this claim is coming from Mike, especially coming from an organization that is constantly criticizing gay groups for claiming ex-gays don't exist. If I'm being honest, I've never personally met a successful ex-gay, nor have I met anyone that has. Then again, since I don't hang out with a bunch of ex-gays, I wouldn't really expect to. For that reason, while I am skeptical of organizations that claim high success rates without proof, I am perfectly willing to accept someone's claims that they are ex-gay, and I'm sorry to hear that Mike can't do the same.
It all comes back to my old theme. If being gay is a sin, let it be a sin, but don't continue negative stereotypes about gay people to turn people against them. This isn't just telling the real story about gay life as Mike claims, it's being disingenuous and dishonest about gays in general, and it's disappointing, to say the least.