Tuesday, April 18, 2006

If I Could Only Be Straight

If I haven't said it here before, I'd like to make it clear that I am not romantically or sexually attracted to females at all, and I never have been. I never dated girls when I was in high school (and I still feel like I missed out on all of that), not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't even fake an attraction to one, not in the slightest.

I've found that I'm different from most of my friends though. While most of them have very, very little attraction to females, they admit to either currently or at one time being able to be aroused by females under the right circumstances. It's not that they are bisexual, but they can at least fake it if they had to (I know that's a crude way to say that, but you get my point).

So, I was telling a friend of mine about my complete lack of attraction to females recently, and I mentioned that for a long period in my life, I was certain that if there was any attraction at all to girls, no matter how small, I would have held on to that and probably not come out of the closet. I have to admit that while I am completely happy now, and I love my boyfriend immensely, the idea occasionally crosses my mind. Life just seems like it'd be just a little bit easier.

Honestly, I love who I am. I love my friends, my boyfriend, and my life, but it's the little things (like planning a wedding and still being afraid to tell some people in my family about it) that get me all worked up.

So, to sum up this longer-than-anticipated post, when I told my friend that if I could have been straight (even just a little straight) I probably would have been, he answered by saying that God probably knew that, so he just didn't give me the option. Interesting to think about.


At 19/4/06 7:33 AM, Anonymous shorty said...

You are so right. My life would be much easier if I were straight. And though most of your postings give societal reasons for the difficulty of being gay, ultimately I think it’s the weight of family expectations that makes it so difficult (maybe unbearable at times) to be gay.

Yeah, I can deal with someone I don’t know calling me a fag; I can vote against narrow-minded politicians; I can choose not to shop at a prejudiced store. But it’s the wistful longing behind my father’s eyes for me to be straight, married and have kids, or the extended sighs when he looks at pictures of me and my partner (of nine years no less) that whip me every time. To be clear I’m completely out and proud with my family, too.

When the anti-gays say we “choose” to be gay, I just want to scream. I didn’t choose anything here. Why in the world would I purposefully “choose” a difficult life?

The only choice I did make was to live a happy, out, proud life without compromises. I feel a deep brotherly pride every time I meet a gay man who is happy with his “choice.”

At 19/4/06 8:35 AM, Blogger E said...

I've never been even slightly aroused by a woman, either, so you're not the only one. I'd take female friends with me as 'dates' to events in (and after) college, but those relationships never even progressed as far as hand-holding.

I made a bit more of an effort to be attracted to women during my ex-gay years, but even then I couldn't generate enough of a spark to get past a very informal first date.

Would've made for an easier life, to be sure, but at this point the only thing I might go back and change if given the opportunity would be to reach that point of self-acceptance a bit sooner.

At 19/4/06 2:45 PM, Blogger Brady said...

Shorty- great comment. I agree completely, especially with the fact that I still have trouble conversing with my dad about the issue (and sometimes even other people close to me) because I am afraid of their reactions.

E- I agree that the only thing I would change would also be moving towards self acceptance a little earlier. Sure, I miss dating in hs, but dating girls wouldn't have done that much for me either. Accepting would have been better.

At 22/4/06 6:30 PM, Blogger radio666fm said...

Why on earth would you choose to be straight? Just cos' it's easier? I used to think that, but straights don't have it any easier really...they can practice what we call socially sanctioned bullshit.

Now I think, if only the straight would would get alife, then it would be easier to be Gay!

At 24/4/06 9:45 AM, Blogger Brady said...

Deaf brother-
Yeah, basically because it would have been easier to be straight. Shorty makes a good poing about his dad.

And, let's face it, even though the country is progressing forward, being gay is still looked on negatively by most people in this country.


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